Clean
01/6/2015
I hadn't planned to tell this story, well ever. I call it the story for another day, the untold story, and just another memory. To say the least I never wanted to tell my story, I figured sooner or later I‘d forget all about it and it’d just be another day, but that’s not how this works I guess. Recently I've come to terms that I have something on my chest. I like to think of it as a squid stuck there, and I've been ignoring it for a year now. How can I ignore something so prominent like that? Well that’s where this story starts. Now I don’t mean to bash Him, or make me sound like a depressed little girl, that’s not the point. The point is to get out what happens next because we never think of the after math.
One year clean. To say the least I don’t know what happened to this day. Only He does. For the longest time I was dying to know what went wrong. I needed to know I thought, so I could fix myself and make myself perfect. Do anything in my power to fix ME. I thought I was the problem for the longest time, and still struggle with this idea that I’m not good enough. However my story was just beginning then.
It was months and months of back and forth. The first month I had given up on whatever was there only to be surprised by Him. What I mean by surprised was something that I was not expecting to hear from Him. The kid was out of my life, why was he coming back? It was for nothing good is what I found out. Each month was a new adventure and started to feel like a tiny game. The second month was filled with jealousness. Between making His new toy “nervous” in the Graf to my California vacation where I was warned not to talk to other boys. It was getting strange quick, but the next month was quite.
Summer came and I felt free. But good things are over fast. I started talking to a boy for all the wrong reasons. I wanted to get the feeling of longing out of my system, but that was not the way to do it. This boy wasn't right, and He knew all about it. I guess you can’t really break away when you only have room for one in your life. It ended with this boy, and I was sucked back into my shell. June and July I was watched like a hawk. It felt like I was always under His thumb. Although there were giggles shared, there was always the reminder that I was nothing, disposable. Months past and we worked to get along, but just like everything else we knew it wasn't going to last. One month was spent crying over a boy to Him, and the next was spent crying for no other reason than I needed it and He would listen. Then the end.
This whirlwind of a year was over, and I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I will say I’ve been glad it’s over. I look at the people we’ve become and I can’t decide if either of us had changed for the better or one for the worse. There are days I’m constantly reminded of what happened, and others when I’m asked about Him, like by my Great Grandma. Normally I try to say something pleasant, but I’m just disgusted with the skeletons he sleeps with in his closet.
Through it all I had gotten sick three times, jealous numerous times, and only heartbroken once. It will be a year I will never forget and hope to never live again. Today I am too scared to talk to boys, even pushing them away when they get to close to me. I’ve probably put walls up that are too high to ever climb over. I’ve learned people change, most for the worse and you’ll never get back to the old ways. I was asked the other day if it was hard being the way I am, to which I responded with, “It can be a roller coaster or a merry-go-round, you choose”.
People are in shock when I say I’ve been single for a year. They mostly look at me and ask,” How can that be, look at you!” Simple, I chose to be this way, cold. Sure I’ve talked to boys, but there’s no spark. No emotion. They’re little pawns in my game of chess, only there to help me win. Or in this case get better. As awful as that sounds its true, but I never truly thought of the damage I was putting them through until I lived it myself. I’m disgusted with this creature I’ve become, shamelessly breaking hearts because mine hasn’t been sewn back together. Instead my little heart is now a black obis that sits deep in the frozen part of my rib cage, not even Disney characters can sing their way through that frozen mess. I did it to myself though, I mean who wants to be hurt again?
Recently though, I’ve noticed how many doors have been opened to me because of this tiny misfortune, and the amount that have also been shut. I got my amazing job because of it and even get to push myself in other fields. I can’t exactly say He was a waste of air because He somehow helped me open doors I couldn’t open myself. Maybe one day I’ll thank him, but I’ll wait till his head isn’t so full of Himself.
I must say this, throughout this year I realized how easy it is to become miserable because of one person. I must applaud Him because I feel like that is a major accomplishment. However, He may have scrambled my year up, but I don’t see the point of running Him down. Truly the kid has something going for him, and I really mean that. Somewhere deep in Him (I hope) is the humble and caring person I first met. He has potential even if his attitude lately is less than par. The guy really is great, I just hope he realizes it.
Now I didn’t write this to just say this is what happened look how awful He is! No, that’s not it at all. We don’t think about what happens next, it’s just two people who couldn’t work. This is what happened in my case. Things happen for a reason and you can’t change them. Take my apology, I’m sorry for the honesty, but I had to get this off my chest.
